These Memories
by Ugawa
Summary: Once someone is gone, that's when you realize their true feelings. But even for a genius, knowing now is too late. WARNING: ASUMA ARC SPOILER.


**Well. I watched an AMV on Youtube the other day, and it gave me an idea for a new fanfic. I haven't written one for ages since I've been busy with A-Levels, but I'll hopefully finish this one. It's not going to be too long. For some reason I've lost interest in GaaNaru and now have a strong urge for a bit of AsumaXShikamaru. There isn't that many around, so I thought I'd add a bit to the fandom.**

**I'm sure no one read that. Oh, well. Lol.**

**Disclaimer: Obviously I don't own Naruto or I wouldn't be spending time writing fan fiction, I'd be drawing it XD.**

**WARNING: SPOILER FOR THE ASUMA ARC IN SHIPPUDEN**

**Song listened to while writing: Snow Patrol Ft. Martha Wainwright -- Set the fire to the third bar.  
**

* * *

He couldn't face everyone. The down-turned faces and tears which he was sure to come across if he went. The looks of pity and guilt washing over the crowd of those gathered wasn't something he wanted to be part of. The looks of pity he could just about handle… but the guilty ones? No. For who else should wear a face of guilt but him? He'd been the one there. It had been his plan. It had been him and his stupid strategies that his sensei had put faith in. No one else's. No one else had miscalculated and left his sensei kneeling defenceless on the ground while the Akatsuki scum drove a weapon into his own chest to murder the one under his jutsu.

Shikamaru stared up at the darkened sky as the dampness on the rooftop seeped through the black material of his shirt. Cloud watching had always been his favourite pastime, but it wasn't the same when there was no blue between the usually white and fluffy substances. Spears of light reflected from the silver lighter spinning gracefully in the air before being captured within the hands of the young genius.

Asuma's funeral wasn't where he wanted to be. He didn't have to go say his goodbyes, because the farewell had already been said. Shikamaru would much rather watch the clouds -- no matter what blackening condition they were in -- and remember his sensei in his own way. Not by the speeches from Asuma's oldest friends and the Hokage, but from his own memories. Even if most the time spent with his sensei was too complicated for even his genius mind to decipher. At least with no more memories to aad to his oversized 'Asuma' thought-bank, he'd have all the time in the world to figure out what had happened within the old ones, and where he went wrong. Because it was unlike him to miscalculate something, and now he had two wrong assumptions under his belt. Both involving his sensei.

He let Asuma die.

And he let his own pigheadedness cloud the feelings being shown toward him. How naïve could he have been not to see what Asuma had really felt.

Because…

Shikamaru remembered every kiss…

He remembered every touch…

Every lie…

Every hurtful word…

And looking back at it all now, he'd miscalculated the whole thing, because in the end, Shikamaru loved his sensei… and his sensei had loved him back….

Even if Asuma would never say it…

* * *

The usual pineapple-shaped spikes flowed across Shikamaru's slick forehead and stuck to the sides of his face, where his cheeks glistened in the silver light coming from outside as his warm back absorbed the chill from the wooden tiles below him. His forearm moved to rest across his closed eyes for a moment, before using his fingers to sweep the locks from his skin. A bitter breeze flooded the room, sending goosebumps across his flesh, as the single window in the room was slid open and the scent of tobacco played with his senses.

The smell no longer made him want to hold his nose or fan his hand around, trying to avoid the second-hand smoke from reaching his lungs. No. Now he welcomed the smell. It was reassuring. At moments like this, it let him know that his sensei wasn't going to just leave straight away like he usually did. If Asuma had taken the time to open the window and spark a cigarette without jumping out first, it meant one of three things. He wanted a second round, he was too tired to leave right then, or maybe he wanted to spend some time with Shikamaru. Not just have meaningless sex. Shikamaru always preferred the latter since it was a rare occasion for the muscular man to stay with him after beating his smaller body until he knew he wouldn't be able to walk the next day.

Shikamaru still remembered the first time it had happened. Asuma's actions had confused him at first, but that was only natural for a boy of fourteen years. A simple game of shoji should never have ended up with him pinned against the floor with the wooden pieces sticking into his back as he stared up into the brown eyes gazing down at him. Not a word was said. Shikamaru never struggled and never said no, so it wasn't rape. He'd just laid there, staring past Asuma's shoulder and toward the dark ceiling with dimming eyes. He wasn't a 'Sasuke', so no one had ever been interested in him before. The sudden attention was new. Exciting even. Someone wanted him, even with his average looks and lazy attitude, and that wasn't troublesome. It wasn't troublesome one bit, and against his better judgement, he sought it out. The second time he'd ended up on his back was due to his own decision. He'd asked Asuma for a game of shoji, and when his sensei began to head toward the park for their game, Shikamaru had grabbed his large arm while being unable to lift his gaze from the blades of grass on the floor, and shook his head. Asuma, also being rather intelligent, had gotten the hint right away.

And even now, two years later, Shikamaru was still going against his better judgement. He knew a proper relationship would be out of the question, because a student dating their ex-sensei… The stigma around that wasn't too pleasant.

Sitting from the wooden tiles, Shikamaru reached over to grab his trousers and pull them on. "Troublesome," he muttered, pulling back his hair into its usual shape. A cloud of smoke drifted past him, letting him know that Asuma was looking in his direction. He moved his head to meet the gaze of his sensei. "Troublesome," he said again, averting his eyes and grabbing his fishnet shirt.

"What's so troublesome this time?" Asuma's voice drifted through the room.

"You." Shikamaru's knee lifted as he moved his arm to rest against it. "This. Everything."

The sizzle of a cigarette in a puddle outside was the only sound cutting through the silence between them before Asuma spoke again. "I could leave, if that's what you'd prefer."

"You know that's never what I prefer, it's just what you do." He sighed, looking at the box in the corner of the room. "We didn't even get around to starting a game this time."

"We could always start one now, if that's what you want." The humour could be heard from a mile away.

"When do we ever do what I want? When do you ever even care what I want?"

Asuma's chest rose before letting out a drawn out sigh. It seemed his ex-student wanted to be, as he'd put it, 'troublesome' himself tonight. It wasn't like Shikamaru to act like this, usually he'd just lie there after sex, staring at whatever wall was in front of him. "What's got into you?" Asuma asked, pushing himself up from the windowsill and heading back into the room, leaving footsteps echoing off the walls in the silence.

"I don't know what you mean."

The older man knelt in front of his ex-pupil and smiled slightly, before lifting a brow. "I can't change what I don't know, Shika."

"It wouldn't change anything if you did know."

"Know what?"

Shikamaru turned his head away, lifting his other knee so he could rest both arms atop them. "That I know."

"Know wha--"

"Don't."

Asuma leaned back, crossing his legs to sit properly. "Don't what?"

"Act like I'm an idiot. I know about you and Kurenai. I've known for a long time. The question is, does she know?"

"…I see. I guess I should've known you'd figure it out eventually."

"You didn't answer my question."

"There's nothing for her to know."

A slap in the face. It probably would've hurt less. Meaningless sex for two years, that's all it had been. That's all it had ever been. Shikamaru stood to head toward the window. He leant his head against the glass, staring at his eyes in the reflection.

"Shikamaru, you know we can never be together. Not officially."

The glass felt so cold as he moved his head side to side on it. Condensation piled on his skin, before running down his face like tears. "I just thought…" Strong arms wound around his waist. He hadn't even heard his sensei move, but there they were, the arms that always held him, but never REALLY like he'd wanted.

"Thought what, Shika?"

He shook his head against the wet glass. Nothing. He'd meant nothing. "It's not fair, I love you." The last few words were whispered softly enough that he hadn't thought Asuma had heard.

"I know you do."

"No. I mean it's not fair that I love you." Shikamaru turned in Asuma's arms and pushed him away. "It's not fair what you've done to me. I was your pupil! How could you make me fall in love with you when you feel nothing in return."

Asuma's eyes didn't move as they stayed connected with Shikamaru's. "I didn't make you do anything. Remember that. I didn't ask you to fall in love with me."

"You're a bastard."

"I know I am. But like smoking, you're a habit I can't quit."

A habit he couldn't quit? Shikamaru sank down the glass to sit on the floor. "What if I asked you to choose?"

"Between you and smoking?"

"You're not funny, Asuma."

"I'd pick smoking every time."

Shikamaru knew what he had meant. "Then why are you here and not with her?"

Asuma's feet led him back to Shikamaru as he kneeled against the floor again to look into the average eyes of the younger boy. "I wouldn't want to neglect my favourite ex-student, now, would I?" His lips ran the nape of the smooth neck in front of him, and he smirked when he felt the younger boy shiver under his touch.

Shikamaru rested his hands against the naked chest of his sensei. He wanted to push him off, but like always, he was powerless when it came to Asuma. It seemed he hadn't stayed for the latter, but in fact the first option. A second round. Oh, what would his team-mates say if they could see him now, or even if they could've seen him then? Back when they were fourteen and still under the command of their sensei. Ino and Chouji. Would they be disgusted with him? He was sure they would be. What would they have said if they knew that after their training sessions, he'd get his own private session? "I hate you," he whispered as the kissing and biting on his neck became harder, making his heart race and shoulders lift at the pressure.

"I know you do." Asuma breathed into his neck, moving the younger boy away from the wall to lay him on his back.

And again the fishnet shirt and trousers were discarded, and the spiked hair was sticking to his slick forehead. And again he laid staring past Asuma's shoulder toward the ceiling.

…"We can never be together."

…Asuma pushed into Shikamaru's still stretched hole.

…"You were smart enough to know that."

…Shikamaru's back rose from the ground at the force beating into him.

…"I could never love you."

… Small, pale arms wound around his sensei's neck.

…"Your family would disown you. You wouldn't be allowed to carry on the Nara name."

* * *

He really shouldn't have allowed Asuma to push him into a second round. Because now, while standing behind his sensei in the line, his lower back was killing him. They'd been summoned, as well as the rest of team ten and other ninja, by the Hokage. Something about Akatsuki members being spotted at the Fire Temple. So, here they stood, listening to Tsunade-sama prep them for their next mission.

"Those are my orders. Are there any questions?" the big-busted, blonde woman shouted out to the lines of ninja waiting to be dismissed.

"I believe that Chiriku, a former member of the 12 ninja Guardians, was supposed to be there. What happened to him?" Asuma asked, raising his hand.

"Chiriku-sama was killed… by them." One of the monks from the Fire Temple said.

Shikamaru noticed his sensei's downcast look at those words.

"For the sake of Konoha's prestige, and above all else, the safety of the fire country, we can't allow these people to move freely. I also want to know what they are after, but these are dangerous opponents. Do not let them leave the country! Find them, no matter what. And if you can't capture them… kill them." Tsunade-sama shouted. "Okay. Dismissed."

* * *

**Okay. End of chapter one. I think this is only going to be three chapters long. So R&R :D**


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